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Oliver Cromwell England’s First Metrosexual



British scientists announced this week that infamous 17th century Puritan revolutionary Oliver Cromwell habitually ‘slathered himself in only the finest quality women’s creams . . .which would have made him smell like flowers.’


The scientists’ surprising findings came after they examined pots of lotions believed to belong to Cromwell, who despite his notoriety for trying to ban Christmas and being a ‘self styled Moses’ was apparently ‘obsessed with his appearance.’


“This is real top-of-the-range stuff — like going into Harrods and shopping from the most expensive make-up counter,” Study chief Sally Pointer told reporters, “It shows appearances were important even for a person like Cromwell, who was very godly, with personally very strong puritan convictions.” (The Sun: )


As leader of the Roundheads army he successfully defeated the royalists and co-signed the death Warrant of King Charles 1 and when he died in 1658 from malaria was buried in Westminster Abbey as England’s effective head of state.


However less than 18 months later, Charles 11 returned to the throne and Cromwell was ‘posthumously executed’ with his head stuck on a pole outside Westminster Abbey for three years and his body thrown into an unmarked burial pit in Connaught Square (ironically just outside Paul Oakenfold’s London townhouse of today). (Oliver Cromwell- and why he tried to ban Christmas: ‘generally, it was a period of leisure, of eating and drinking to excess, of dancing and singing, gambling, gaming and stage plays (though modern-style pantomimes did not emerge until the eighteenth century), of drunkenness and sexual immorality, a period when normal rules and self-control did not apply, a period of deliberate inversion and ‘misrule’ . . .’) (New Model Army- Smalltown England) (British history documentary)


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